One of the most common client issues I see as NeedAMom is that of daughters with unloving, uncaring, narcissistic or toxic mothers. This came as a surprise to me. I think we all believe that “everyone else” has a great, supportive, understanding, loving mom. For the most part, that’s what we observe with our friends or in the media.
It simply isn’t true.
I often tell my clients “You have an opportunity! You didn’t get the family you wanted but now you get to create the family you need.”
The pain of these clients is real and resonant but it doesn’t have to be crippling or lasting. I agree with Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life who writes “What you experienced in childhood need not continue to hold you back in life. What was learned can be unlearned with effort.”
Peg Streep’s books (https://www.amazon.com/Peg-Streep/e/B000AQ3GWS/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1520449170&sr=8-2-ent), her website (http://pegstreep.com/home-two-eyegasm/), blog for Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support) and Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor) are good places to start.
And if you’d like to work with me, I’m ready to work with you.
Hi! My name is Julie. I’m a mother and a grandmother. I’m interested in knowing the ways this organization works. For example, are their scheduled events where people meet in groups to get to know each other?
Hi Julie, That’s an interesting idea but, to date, I just deal one-on-one with my clients either in person, via Zoom, on the phone, etc. Best, Nina
Hey my name is sheeba from Pakistan.i am a mother IAM interested to work with your organization.please some guide me.
Hi Sheeba, I am the only person in my business in the US although I do have some international clients. You might be able to start something similar in Pakistan but I think you would need a business advisor, insurance, some professional counseling experience, etc. Plus a plan to market and promote the business. I find it very rewarding; it is a lot of work and since I keep my prices low, it is not a big money-maker. Good luck!
I’d like to offer something. It is very alienating and frustrating to constantly read articles and books with the daughter as the focus, with no mention of sons anywhere in sight. I’m just wondering what the thought process is behind this? Is there some unwritten law that I don’t know about that says “no female authors must ever include sons in their literature because 100% of them have good relationships with their mothers?” I don’t mean to come off as too critical of what you’re doing here and what others are doing, everyone has freedom to write about what and whoever they please. It just hurts.
I have no ego about this and no answers for you. I am simply stating the truth in regard to my clients who, for whatever reason, are 90% female, 9% transgender or non-binary and about 1% male. They contact me and apparently young men do not (some have to ask for sexual things or to lie to their girlfriends). I have two grown sons with whom, yes, I have incredibly good relationships. I have no idea why this dynamic exists. Why don’t you write about your sons (if you have sons and have issues with them)? BTW, I have also counseled parents on how to interact with their adult children which is a very special skill set that many, many lack – with sons and daughters.
Hello,
I am currently in a weird state where I find myself wanting to adopt a mom. My biological mother left when I was 2 and when I was 16 met her for the first time on accident and was not impressed and it actually gave me the closure I needed.
My more traumatic mother/ daughter relationship came from my step mom who married my dad when I was 2. They had 3 children together and very long story short, I felt like THE step child and longed for love and affection that I did not get, while watching my siblings get that side of the women I called “Mom”.
Now I’m dealing with a women even worse who is my husbands step mother. His mom passed of ovarian cancer when we had only been together 4 months. His step mom is very toxic, narcissistic and in my opinion needs years of therapy to heal and get right. Her actions actually make me 2nd guess reaching out to my step mom who I’ve been estranged from for about 8 years.
I don’t know if I can handle mending the relationship with my “mom” right now. I also don’t feel it’s ok to only reach out because I feel in need of a mother and she sounds like the best option. I feel like I’m choosing between eating a rotten egg, an uncooked egg with its shell on or an over medium egg that has fallen on the floor onto a blanket of cat hair. None seem very appetizing (gulp) but I’m hungry.
Dear Rachel,
Very sorry for this very tardy reply but I need to update this website and can’t find anyone to help me with it. Should you want to contact me more directly, please email needamomnyc@gmail.com
I can understand why you may want to “adopt” a mom or find some kind of maternal figure. Your biological mother leaving certainly created a primal wound; I’m glad that you found some closure with that.
These two “step-mom” situations sound difficult. Your own step-mom family must have been very hurtful. How was your father during your childhood and growing up?
It doesn’t sound like there’s much to be done with your husband’s step-mother. There IS no therapy for true toxic narcissists; the people around them have to accept that and find their own ways to keep the person at arm’s length with ANY positive expectations.
Do you have a relationship with any of your step-siblings? Maybe that person could provide some insight about the wisdom of reaching out to your step-mom. I will tell you that sometimes revisiting these things as an adult can be very healing but the situation has to be right.
Have to give you props for that egg imagery…quite witty. And I get it.
One possibility is doing some work with me. I have had so many clients who feel the same need you feel for all sorts of reasons and, by and large, they find it valuable to have an accepting, supportive maternal figure in their lives. I don’t pretend to be anyone’s real mother but I do care deeply about the people with whom I work and offer acceptance and witnessing.
With warmest regards,
Nina
Just looking for a mature woman to send time with, talk to. Spend holidays with. I don’t have a family
Hi Eryn, I’m so sorry I’m just seeing this now. What I provide is maternal type support services – usually by phone, text, Zoom – occasionally at a coffee shop or the like if convenient. I don’t know if these kinds of services are of use to you. Have you tried joining local organizations, groups, churches, etc where you like to meet like-minded people who can open their hearts and homes?
Hi. My name is Katsumi. To be honest, it is normal for them to be traumatized by the experience of spending childhood without love from their mother. Although it would be a problem if they worried too much all the time. From my perspective, the cause is they are being isolated. Therefore, they must need company. In conclusion, what they should do is join communities where they feel at home. In this way, they might overcome problems.
I couldn’t agree more. I always tell my clients who either lost their mothers or had less than good mothering that if you’re let down or disappointed by the family you’re born into, you have an amazing opportunity to create the family you want which definitely includes community.