Early on, in the first flush of excitement about the NEEDAMOM concept, I was approached by a literary agent who wanted me to deliver a book proposal based on the concept of “tips for parents of young adults.”

I joked with her, saying it would be a very short book. One page, one sentence” “If you are asking yourself whether or not you should butt in or but out to your adult child’s life and choices, the answer is almost always, “Butt out.”

News flash. Most of our adult children DO NOT WANT our advice unless they expressly ask for it. They may indeed want to tell us about that problem with their boss, that argument with their significant other, the issue with the noisy neighbors but, in truth, they don’t want us to solve it. 

We might want to, might think we have the best advice based on our longer lives and greater experience…but ultimately our children want to figure it out their own way. And they should; they are adults or on the way to becoming them and Mom & Dad must step back and allow that.Look closely at your adult child (and that includes college-age kids, too) when you start to give unsolicited advice. You will see their eyes go dead; if their ears had an on/off switch, you’d see them turning that off, too.

Here’s the foolproof way to handle these situations and get some respect in the process. Say these exact words: “I have some thoughts on that. Do you want to hear them?”.

Your child will stare at you, maybe even smile a little. Because what you are saying is “I want to help you if you want my help. If you don’t, I respect your ability to make your own decisions.” 

That’s empowering and shows real love.